KUWTK2.0: Season Four, oh what a bore. Season Five, will it feel alive?

By Heidi Lothringer March 20th 2024

The headlines suspiciously are bombarded with headlines about Kylie Jenner ``finally embracing her ‘natural’ looks”. Like she wasn’t considered Queen Hottie a few faces ago. Meanwhile Kim Kardashian and her mysterious finger injury are making headlines for not being a homewrecker despite her allegedly dating Odell Beckham while he was still with his baby mama. This all must mean it’s time for a new season of the Kardashians on Hulu. On international women’s day the unintentionally hilarious teaser for season 5 of their cash grab sequel to E! Iconic landmark series Keeping up with the Kardashians. Season 4 was all the way back in September 2023. Let’s look back, season 4 was a very long Dolce & Gabbana commercial. Kim, mother of two surrogate children, had no qualms with the fashion house that famously mocked “test tube babies”. Kim also wasted no time accusing Kourtney of stealing her “wedding country”. Kourtney went on her every other season tirade about family, meaning more than the television show that paid for the luxurious home she was sitting in while complaining. She doesn’t need this. She also won’t let her kids go to McDonald’s. Khloe who's always riding the bad luck train wants Tristian out of her life so she lets him move in and doesn’t seem to notice her sister Kim is bizarrely best friends with Tristian so much so that she implies he fills in the gap left by Kanye. Meanwhile Kanye says he’s blocked from seeing the kids. The kids allegedly know nothing about the world around them even though Kim calls the paparazzi to every and all extra curricular activities. Khloes mother who famously chose dating young tennis studs over momming is obsessed with convincing Khloe to work things out and forgive the man who also chose dating over parenting. Khloe also admits to not bonding with her son born via surrogate, and insists she doesn’t go to the Met gala usually because she doesn’t care, not that she wasn’t invited or anything like that. Khloe spends her time organizing or taking credit for the staff's work and working out to unhealthy extremes. Kendall exists, invented tequila or whatever and drives classic cars while she moves on from Dating the NBA to allegedly dating someone who says he doesn’t like white girls and isn’t a good bunny. Kylie amazingly has had another year of like, realizing stuff. King Kylie regrets the damage she has done to teenage girls who can’t understand why they don’t have a stick thin body with Pamela Anderson ``natural” breasts and a booty bigger than Kim’s “not fake” booty. They’ve set unrealistic beauty standards and she’s just now realizing this a decade later. She takes mom Kris grocery shopping and they can’t figure out how to use a debit card. Or grocery shops. She also can’t drive classic cars. Corey continues to do great work as Kris Jenner's paid Boyfriend and Security guard. Meanwhile Kris is more frozen in time than ever, but what do you expect from a living vessel of the devil. Season 4 is surely about the absolute nonsense we've been reading about. But that didn’t stop them from making a very bizarre desert camping promo. Kim looks to the stars to her destiny while everyone else poses in this yellow summer sun on a breezy day. They will be reaching new horizons, apparently. In other kardashian news Kylie is now a canned vodka company owner. She named it Sprinter and Khloe suggested it’s a great cocktail for watching children. So there’s that.